- Written and Directed by Stephen Sommers
- Stars: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsdale, Richard Roxburgh
- Run time: 2 hours, 11 minutes
- Link: https://amzn.to/3kuRjP5
Synopsis
We begin with an angry mob with torches and pitchforks in 1887 Transylvania, where they are storming Frankenstein’s castle. “It’s Alive!” Screams the doctor as the peasants are revolting just outside his door. The doctor complains about escaping to his partner with the strange accent. The peasants break in just as the other man explains that he has an evil purpose for financing Frankenstein’s work. The doctor runs him through with a sword, and we see that his partner is Dracula. He kills Frankenstein, and the monster takes exception to that, throwing Dracula into the fireplace and running off to the windmill on the hill. As the windmill burns, the monster roars at the crowd. Dracula and his brides arrive to save the monster… just after the whole thing collapses. He’s too late.
One year later, we see Badass Van Helsing chasing after a cartoony Mr. Hyde through the streets and rooftops of CGI Paris. We see that Van Helsing seems to have inherited all of Batman’s toys, which goes very badly for Hyde. VH is, of course, branded a murderer as he rides back to his bosses at the church. We then get some exposition explaining why VH works for the church. Van Helsing’s boss reminds one of James Bond’s M. There’s some nonsense about a family that must be saved by killing Dracula. He then meets Carl, who is essentially James Bond’s Q with the gadgets. Van Helsing decides Carl should just go with him as an assistant.
Suddenly, there’s a werewolf attacking Velkan and Anna in the woods. It’s some kind of trap for the werewolf that goes wrong, and the CGI werewolf runs through the woods after her with lots of shaky-cam. Eventually, the werewolf and Velkan go over the cliffs, absolutely, positively, unquestioningly to their deaths.
There’s a travel montage as VH and Carl arrive in Transylvania. VH and Anna argue briefly, and she orders their deaths just at the exact moment that the brides of Dracula attack the village. VH shoots his rapid-fire machine-gun arrow-shooty thing at them and misses a thousand times until the sun pokes out through the clouds. The clouds return, as clouds often do, and the vampires attack again. “Too bad, so sad,” taunts one of the vamps in a Transylvanian accent. VH finally manages to kill one of them, and the other two fly away.
Dracula scolds Igor for torturing their pet werewolf. “Why do you torment that monster?” Igor looks up and says, “It’s what I do,” as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Meanwhile, Anna, who dresses like a pirate queen, fills her pockets from her own elaborate armory and continues to argue with Van Helsing. “We Transylvanians always look on the bright side of death,” she explains with a straight face. Anna soon runs into a werewolf, who turns out to be her brother Velkan, who didn’t die on that cliff after all. They say Dracula has a cure for werwolfism, so Anna wants to find Dracula for that in addition to wanting him dead.
Meanwhile, Dracula and Igor are trying to rebuild the machines from Frankenstein’s lab. They want to put Velkan in the machine, as his werewolf power will combine with the electric life-force generated by the machinery to generate a surge of life-giving energy – it’s all very scientific. Anna and VH go to the castle and find hundreds of gooey drippy eggs hanging from the roof. They are Dracula’s dead offspring. The big experiment in the lab is all geared toward bring these dead vampire children to undead “life” instead of animating a creature like Frankenstein did.
The babies do come to life and the brides leading them to town to feed. Carl sees hundreds of vampire babies flying to town and says calmly, “That’s not good.” Van Helsing stakes Dracula, but that doesn’t work. Dracula explains to VH that they’ve fought before, hundreds of years in the past; Van Helsing has forgotten his own history. Velkan turns full werewolf and breaks loose, which disrupts the experiment and makes all the baby vampires explode into jelly. The wolf then jumps into the river from the castle.
Meanwhile, Carl is back in the village having Friar sex and learning how to defeat Dracula: only a werwolf can do the job. Van Helsing and Anna leave the castle and take a break at the ruins of an old windmill. They fall through the floor and meet Frankenstein’s monster who simply wants to die but he can’t. He wants to stop Dracula too. Maybe he can help them fight Dracula?
We are then traded to a ridiculous wagon vs. vampire chase scene with literally every wagon-chase cliche ever, which ends in Velkan’s death and VH being werewolf bitten. The brides nab Anna and tell VH to come to the masquerade ball to meet Dracula if he wants her back. Anna and Dracula dance and have a kiss. More action ensues. Van Helsing rescues Anna just as Igor drags in Frankenstein’s monster, who has already been captured. Turns out, all the several hundred guests at the ball are vampires too. They escape with the help of Carl’s solar hand grenade.
Infected by the werewolf, Van Helsing starts getting more and more like Wolverine as it gets closer to the full moon. They find a portal to Castle Dracula and walk through. This castle is also full of vampire-baby egg sacs, thousands of them this time. Frankenstein’s creation is there, mostly frozen in a block of ice to immobilize him. Dracula hooks the monster into the machine and prepares to once again bring his children to life – with a mega-dose of energy using the Creature as a catalyst.
Anna goes after the werewolf cure while Van Halen attempts to free the monster. Meanwhile, the evil Oompa-Loompas helping Dracula ignore everyone until they don’t. Lightning strikes the monster, which supercharges all the baby vampires. Dracula goes full Hellspawn and fights with Van Helsing while Carl fights Igor and Anna fights the final Bride of Dracula.
Van Helsing tears off his shirt and turns full werwolf, which gets Dracula’s attention. They fight. Van Helsing wins, Dracula dies, and all the baby vamps go to jelly. Anna then injects VH with the cure just as Carl is about to kill Van Helsing. Anna, on the other hand, dies in the attempt; they burn her body just to be safe. Meanwhile, Frankenstein builds a raft a sails to parts unknown.
VH and Carl then ride off into their next adventure… which never came.
Commentary
This is an easy movie to poke fun at, because there’s so much silliness in it. In many ways, it’s more video game than movie, but there’s also a lot of good here. The non-CGI sets and visuals are excellent, and although the CGI hasn’t aged too well, it’s not terrible.
Apparently, werewolves turn back to human every time the moon goes behind the clouds, which has to be annoying. I want to know where Velkan’s clothes kept coming from since we saw him tear them off multiple times. Also, when did Dracula hire his little Oompa-Loompa henchmen? Also, why is there always a lightning storm right when the lab needed one? How did everyone learn to swing on ropes and chains like Tarzan?
The verbal sparring and innuendo between Van Helsing and Anna seems really forced. The incredibly lucky timing of some of the scenes is improbable at best.
You just have to come at this from the right approach to get full enjoyment out of it. This is as bad a horror film as Event Horizon was a bad sci-fi film. It doesn’t really work when looked at from the wrong intended genre. It’s hammy, comic-books, over-the-top and is really a truly horrible horror movie, but that said, it’s a lot of fun for an action movie.