- Directed by Kevin Smith
- Written by Kevin Smith
- Stars Justin Long, Michael Parks, Genesis Rodriguez, Haley Joel Osment
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 42 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCQJnOn0ru0
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
Full of absurdity and craziness and loads of body horror, this is a fun watch. The cast, direction, and special effects are all top notch. It’s a good one.
Synopsis
Wallace and Teddy do a podcast. They talk about a video where a guy cuts his own leg off. Wallace is going to Canada to interview the “Kill Bill Kid” for next week’s show. The show is called the “Not-See Party.” Credits roll.
As Wallace crosses the border to Canada, he gets a lesson about what it means to be Canadian. When he gets to the “Kill Bill Kid’s” house, there’s a funeral going on; the guy has died. Bad timing! He goes to a bar and reads a flier about an old man with weird stories to tell. Maybe this trip wasn’t a total waste of time; Wallace goes there to interview the guy, whose name is Howard Howe.
Wallace drives several hours out into the country and comes to a huge house. He meets up with wheelchair-bound Howard, who has a very nice place full of interesting stuff. Howard says he has had many adventures, but he has no idea what a podcaster is. Wallace says that Howard’s tea is exceptional. Howard talks about meeting Ernest Hemingway during D-Day.
They talk about the various artifacts on Howard’s wall. One of them is the penis bone of a walrus. Howard tells a story about how he met a walrus when he was lost at sea. He called the Walrus “Mr. Tusk.” Howard lived with Mr. Tusk for six months, and they had a beautiful friendship. Wallace passes out; the tea was drugged. Howard says, “It’ll be alright, Mr. Tusk.”
We flash back to Wallace having sex with Ally, his girlfriend. She thinks Wallace making fun of the “Kill Bill Kid” is exploitative. She says Wallace has changed, but Wallace makes light of it.
Wallace wakes up in a wheelchair as Howard polishes the penis bone. Howard says that Wallace was bitten by a brown recluse spider. He says a doctor came and gave Wallace a spinal injection, which is why Wallace can’t move much. The doctor also removed one of Wallace’s legs and took all the phones away. It’s really obvious that Howard is lying about the whole thing.
Hours pass, and Wallace says he can’t move his arms. Howard says that’s probably the morphine at work. Wallace thinks that Howard is lying, and then Howard gets out of his wheelchair and smacks him in the face. Howard says that he’s been constructing a walrus suit that he plans to put on Wallace, but Wallace must act the part.
We cut to Ally, who complains about Wallace. She hates him, but she hates herself more for letting him do things to her. She knows he cheats on her. We see that she’s telling all this to Teddy just before they sleep together. We then flashback to Wallace talking about cheating to Teddy, who doesn’t approve.
Wallace wakes up and hears his phone ringing. He calls Ally back, but she has her phone on “silent mode.” He leaves a message for her on voicemail; Teddy’s too. “I don’t want to die in Canada.”
Howard comes and states “Your life as you know it is over. You will be a walrus, or you’ll be nothing at all.”
In the morning, Ally and Teddy get Wallace’s messages. Meanwhile, we see Howard telling another story of his childhood as he stitches up Wallace, and it’s a bloody mess. He’s taken Wallace’s other leg and stitched his arms to his side. Wallace is looking a bit more like a Walrus now.
Teddy and Ally go to Canada and start tracing Wallace’s footsteps. They team up with Guy Lapointe, a detective in search of a serial killer named Howard Howe. He’s killed 23 people so far. He has found many bodies that look “like a crucified T-Rex. And the mouth and teeth have been… disturbed.” We get a flashback to when Lapointe actually met Howard.
Wallace wakes up and, oh my. He’s a walrus now, in a zoo-like enclosure with tusks and all. He soon learns that he’s not Howard’s first attempt at this- there’s another “walrus” body at the bottom of his pool. A bit later, Howard feeds Wallace a raw mackerel.
We see that a starving Howard ate the original Mr. Tusk an hour before he was rescued from the island, which he still regrets. Howard continues to bring out the walrus in Wallace.
Lapoint, Ally, and Teddy find Wallace’s car, so they know they’re close.
Howard gets into a walrus suit and wants to fight with Mr. Tusk. Teddy and Ally hear the roars and break in. “Either you go full walrus or die!” insists Howard. Wallace/Mr. Tusk uses his tusks to kill the crazy man.
Ally and Teddy find Wallace, but he can’t talk, only roar. Lapointe comes in with his gun…
One year later, Teddy and Ally go to an exotic animal zoo. They go to Wallace’s enclosure. They bring him a fish, which he eats somewhat reluctantly as he sheds some tears.
Commentary
Michael Parks, as Howard, is awesomely crazy. Justin Long plays the same weasley character he usually plays, which is perfect here. Johnny Depp– well, he’s unique. All the Canadian humor is “aboot” perfect as well– Canada is a weird and terrifying land full of lunatics, obviously.
The costume/makeup on the walrus is really cool, but it’s just the entire ridiculous situation that makes this great.