Directed by: Luca Guadagnino
Written by: Dario Argento
Starring: Chloe Grace Moretz, Tilda Swindon, Dakota Johnson
First, I should point out that we watched first 20 minutes without subtitles, which was a mistake. Too many accents and languages. If you have even a little trouble with thick accents, turn on the subtitles for this one. There’s a lot of French and German thrown in for a little extra confusion.
The story starts in 1977 Berlin. An upset girl, Patricia, goes to see her psychiatrist, an old man (secretly played by Tilda Swindon). She says there is more to her school than it appears, and the teachers are witches and are out to get her. The psychiatrist dismisses this as a combination of paranoid and some kind of political metaphor. Then the credits roll.
During the credits we see and hear a wheezing woman, apparently in a coma, being tended to by other women at an isolated farm. If you’ve seen the original movie, you’ll probably jump to the conclusion that this is the “head witch,” which may or may not be true.
After the credits, a new character, Susie, arrives in town in the rain and goes to the school. She is told, “You don’t have any references or formal training or reason for being here at all, but Madame Blanc requested you personally.” She has to dance without music, but passes her audition and is admitted to the school.
Madame Blanc (Also Played by Tilda Swindon) is watching her very carefully and creepily thorough see-through mirrors. They normally wouldn’t have room for her, but Patricia has mysteriously left the company.
The scene shifts to the group of witches, who vote to keep Markos in charge (rather than Blanc), but we’re told that Markos wants to try the ritual again soon…
—
This is where I stopped taking notes for an hour and half cause literally nothing interesting happened.
—
If you’ve seen the trailer, you know there’s dancing in this movie. Sort of. The big climactic dance number is so choppy, dark, and over-edited that you can’t see it or even enjoy it as a dance. There are so many ways this could have been handled better.
—
Whereas the original was very (almost too) colorful, this one was shot in the dark with a camera that had dead batteries. The soundtrack was decent, kind of weird without being over the top like the original.
Overall, I give this story 2 out of 10. This is easy the worst movie I’ve seen in 2019, and may very well land in my top ten of all time. It’s far too long, and the ending is just a mess.