Shark Exorcist (2015)

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Posted By: brian@brianschell.com January 25, 2022

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

It’s got an evil nun, a demon shark, demonic possession, murder, and mayhem. The recipe for a great movie? Well, this one is okay, but a little half-baked.

Synopsis

We open on a nun walking through a cemetery. A news report talks about police looking for a murdering nun – this must be her. She leaves the cemetery and goes to the beach. She swears vengeance upon the world. Another woman comes up and yells that everyone knows what she did. The nun then stabs the woman. The nun dumps her body into the ocean as she calls on Satan to send her an avenger. An obvious CGI shark with glowing eyes appears as the credits roll.

One year later, Lauren, Emily, and Ali are one a road trip to the state park lake. Ali goes for a swim, and we see the shark is nearby. The shark attacks, but it’s just a little bite, so they take her to the hospital. Still, Ali writhes around in pain for far too long.

We switch over to an episode of “Ghost Whackers,” a paranormal investigation show. Nancy is a psychic, and she goes to the lake to commune with the spirits of three dead girls who died there recently. She calls on the spirits and then goes into convulsions. “These waters are mine,” says whatever is possessing her as she writhes on the ground.

Ali is totally recovered; she doesn’t even have a scar. Emily complains that all Ali wants to do anymore is soak in her tub. Ali struts off and hitches a ride with a strange man, and she talks him into taking her to the lake. Before long, they’re making out in the water; at least until the shark eats him just inches from shore.

Brianna Bennett, a paranormal debunker charges in and insists that it’s no spirit, just a real shark.

We cut to Father Michael, a priest with acting books on his desk. He gets a letter stating that his brother died a mysterious death.

Three witches call upon the spirit of Sybil in the cemetery while another woman writhes on the ground. One of the witches goes into convulsions and writhes on the ground. We suspect that the director has a fetish for watching women writhing on the ground.

A woman plays with toy sharks and runs into Ali. Ali says she “likes to get wet” so the girl takes her home to get into a swimming pool. The girl plays with her shark toy while Ali circles around like a predator…Ali then wakes up in bed— was that a dream?

Once again, Ali goes into the lake and someone gets eaten. What is her connection to the shark?

Meanwhile, Nancy becomes possessed and pukes all over Brianna.

Holly, Michelle, and Sheila are doing a sorority initiation thing. Two of the girls have to swim out into the lake without being eaten by the shark. The shark jumps up on the bridge and eats the third girl instead.

Father Michael comes to Ali’s house, looking for her. He talks to Emily about the shark attack on Ali. The two of them go to the amusement park where Ali is prowling for victims. We see that Ali has grown pointy shark-teeth.

Father Michael interrupts the attack, and the next thing we see is Ali tied up in the middle of an exorcism. “We’re gonna need a bigger cross!” Yells Emily. There’s green projectile puke— there’s always green puke in an exorcism.

Michael offers to take the demon into himself to free Ali. Suddenly, a sky shark flies down from the sky and eats them both.

Some time later, a woman goes to the beach while a man watches her from behind a tree. He’s a creeper; he takes photos of her while she sleeps. She wakes up and there’s no one around. Then the killer nun gets her. Then the shark woman grabs and eats her. Later, we see Emily become the new demon shark.

Finally, just to drag things out a little longer, we spend five minutes watching a young woman play with plush shark toys in an aquarium gift shop.

Commentary

There’s nothing worse than a man-eating shark in a freshwater lake. OK, maybe a demon-possessed shark is worse, but only a little bit.

This is one of those low-budget indie films that are essentially a bunch of random scenes stitched together into some semblance of an incoherent story. My synopsis above is far more coherent than the real movie. How did Father Michael even know about Ali? Why did the nun summon the demon shark in the first place? Where was she and the shark for a whole year? What happened to demon-possessed Nancy?

The camerawork is actually very good; everything is brightly lit and looks great. The acting, on the other hand, is… not so good.

There’s so much writhing on the ground; It’s like they wanted to do sex scenes, but could only afford one actor onscreen at a time.

It’s not the worst thing we’ve watched, but it’s pretty, pretty bad. There are, however, lots of girls in bikinis, if you’re into that sort of thing.