Directors: Ricky Hess, Brandon Thaxton
Writer: Al Hess
Stars: Baby Norman, J Michael Grey, R.C. Sayyah
1 hour, 23 minutes
It’s an anthology of four stories.
Sleep Tight: A woman and two kids rent a room at the hotel. Meanwhile, a big muscular guy works out and takes his exercise supplements, admiring himself in the mirror. In another room, a couple with rotting sores and what looks like tar on their legs soak them in buckets.
The muscle man is collecting his own sweat in a jar. He notices his back is all bloody, then spots huge bedbugs under his sheet. “Carnivorous Cooties are cutting me in my sleep! They’re eating my steroids,” He says to the manager as he checks out of the hotel.
The guy with bad legs pours alcohol and baking soda on them. A group of friends comes over, asking to try some “bugs.” Is it a new drug? Yes! You put it in a real cigarette and smoke it. “It’s just ground up bug powder. It ain’t illegal,” the guy says. It’s made from bedbug venom. That’s what’s been eating his legs. His bugs are getting bigger. “Maybe they’re eating steroids,” he jokes, not realizing that this is exactly what’s happening.
The woman with the kids decides to go out, leaving the children alone. Before she can go out, she passes out on the bed, drunk. The kids make a blanket fort and hide in there.
No one seems to remember that bed bugs bite.
Guillotine Two women go to meet a “car dealer” in room 223. He goes out and looks at their car. He trades her a rotten old piece of wood known as “Mary Antoinette’s Guillotine” that Marilyn Monroe use to get into Playboy. This “unique relic” gives women an edge over all others. They test it, and it works (even her clothes change). Dorian (Grey) wants it, so they make the trade.
Dorian’s friend, who wears glasses with no glass in them, wants to borrow it, but Dorian refuses. They argue, and Dorian tries to strangle her with it. In the struggle, Dorian falls through a glass table and dies.
No Time for Love The girl is asked to deliver a book to a hermit who lives in the motel. The bookstore owner is reading a book called “No Time for Love.”
Joni walks to the motel with a pair of borrowed crutches. She falls through the door when one of the crutches break. When she wakes up, Davy (Jones) patches up her injury. Davy explains that he used to navigate submarines until his boat sank. He’s been retired at the motel ever since.
He explains how on a submarine, you live on 18-hour days. The clock totally has sped up since Joni came inside. Actually, time is accelerating. Suddenly, he starts looking older.
Houdini’s Hand Two men come into the motel talking about a big deal they’re involved in. They’re selling an old box that contains Houdini’s hand. Supposedly, it unlocks doors and safes and stuff. He calls the car dealer from the “Guillotine” story.
The box opens, and there’s no hand inside. The owner of the hand calls, and he wants it back. They have to find the hand; it must be in the room somewhere…
Commentary
I was checking the time already by six minutes in; that’s not a good sign. Kevin kept thinking we were watching the wrong movie because it was making no sense ten minutes in. It turns out that these four episodes are compiled from the Horror Hotel web series that’s available on Hulu. These wouldn’t be bad as individual short films, but as a “movie” it’s not so wonderful.
The stories aren’t terrible in themselves, but the acting, cheap sets, and overall cheesiness make the whole experience kinda ridiculous.
The first story’s stupidity level numbed my mind to the point where I didn’t mind the other three so much. I really like anthologies, and would like to see more of them, but this is just… wow.