- Directed by Gil Kenan
- Written by David Lindsay-Abaire, Steven Spielberg, Michael Grais
- Stars Sam Rockwell, Rosemarie DeWitt, Kennedi Clements
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 33 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HD2sz9RVzfM
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
An unnecessary and unworthy remake of one of the most classic horror films of the 80s. Within the first five minutes, we already hated the entire family, and that never quite changes through the film. If you took the basic characters and story from the original and substituted sub-par crap for all of them, this is what remains. Save your time, go watch the original again.
Synopsis
The Bowen family drive to their new house, and we see the three children, Kendra, Griffin, and Madison, are all annoying and stupid. The parents, Eric and Amy, seem to not care much what the children say or do. We already hope these people will all die, even before the credits. Griffin immediately takes a dislike to the old tree outside. We see that there are speakers in all the walls to listen to music. Eric’s unemployed and morose about it.
Even while they’re talking to the Realtor, little Madison is talking to someone in the bedroom closet. The price is cheap, so they can buy the house. It’s not a new house; it’s not Eric’s company that built it; they’re just random people moving into a house.
Later, Amy is doing laundry in the basement, so there can’t be any bodies buried down there. She loses her earring behind the washer and finds something yucky back there. Kendra watches Carrigan Burke, a ghost chaser, on TV. This movie takes place in a universe where unlike the fake shows we have, he’s the real deal. Madison says “The lost people are my friends.” Griffin is afraid of the skylight in his bedroom, even more of the creepy clown doll he finds.
That night, Griffin goes downstairs to find Madison talking to the TV, which is full of static. Then the TV is full of hands that look like they want out. “They’re here,” whispers Madison. The next morning, Griffin digs up a bone in the backyard. Amy wants to get Griffin therapy because there must be something wrong with the kid.
The next night, Amy and Eric go to a party and leave all the kids at home alone. It comes up during dinner that the development was built over a cemetery years and years ago. They moved the bodies, of course, but that was a long time ago.
Back at the house, Kendra hears weird sounds through her iPhone. She follows it to the basement, where something seems to be trying to get up through the floor. She finds that same black oozing stuff her mother found earlier– only this puddle reaches up and grabs her. Griffin is attacked by the evil clown doll and also the tree outside. Meanwhile, Madison’s closet door opens up and starts sucking in the lights from the room, then the toys, and then Madison herself.
Eric and Amy come home, and they find Griffin screaming up in the tree and Kendra is hysterical too. Maddy is gone. Soon, they start hearing Maddy’s voice on the TV. They call in Dr. Powell and her film crew to investigate. The group asks questions and investigates the house to find tricks and scams.
The whole group gathers around the TV to talk to Maddy, and when she calls, there are others with her, and they don’t sound very nice. They see her shadow running around the house; not Maddy, just her shadow. Eric throws a table into the closet and it comes back through the living room ceiling. Dr. Powell wants to call in Carrigan Burke.
Carrigan arrives, and everyone’s a big fan of his TV show. He goes through the house, and we see the various weird things have escalated a bit. He knows the stuff about the cemetery, but he also doesn’t think they really moved the bodies; they’re still down there. The anger and frustration of the dead have combined to create a poltergeist. He says the dead want Maddy to lead them into the light.
Everyone in the house gets a GPS tracker. They get a drone ready. And a rope. Carrigan talks about his various scars, ala “Jaws.” One of them was apparently made by a ghost shark. Finally, they get everything set up. They throw the rope into the closet, and it comes out in the living room. Then they fly a drone inside to find Madison. It flies along the rope into the closet portal, and we see what’s inside; CGI Hell. They make contact with the little girl, but then they lose the drone.
Griffin goes in alone after his sister. There’s lots of screaming and drama, but he gets her, and the two children fall into the living room. Carrigan says “The House is Clean,” which is his show’s tagline. Madison says the house isn’t clean, since the ghosts stayed behind. They get in the car to leave, but the ghosts won’t allow it. The entire car gets sucked into the house.
The closet upstairs has turned into a demonic black hole, sucking in everything. They watch the demonic monsters reach out of the closet for Madison, but they pull her out just in time. Carrigan goes back inside; he says he’s the only one who can lead the souls into the light. He jumps into the closet as the rest of the family climbs out a window. They all pile into a Mini Cooper as dead bodies start rising from the Earth. The house explodes behind them as they drive away.
The family goes house-hunting, and the realtor mentions the huge closet space. They’re not impressed with the big tree out back either…
Commentary
In the original, we spent time getting to know the family, and they were all fun, happy people, so it was a shock when bad things happened later. And we were rooting for them all the way. When the going got rough, the parents stepped up and saved the kids. In this modern version, they’re all morose and unlikable to begin with, so they kinda get what they deserve. The parents watch the ten year old boy go to Hell (think The Upside Down right out of Stranger Things) to save their daughter and don’t make a move to dive in after him to help; they’re worthless people. Jared Harris is cool though; Jared Harris is always cool, even when he’s wearing a stupid hat.
If you are going to remake a film as iconic and, yes, perfect, as the original “Poltergeist (1982)” was, then at least put a modern spin on it or introduce some new elements to make it stand out. This was basically a pointless remake with none of the Spielbergian charm of the original.
Soulless, worthless, cash-grabbing garbage of the worst kind. I’d give it one star, except for Jared Harris, who raises it two stars just by being there.