- Directed by Phil Messerer
- Written by Phil Messerer
- Stars Ellis Cahill, Devon Dionne, Chase Gilbertson
- Run Time: 1 Hour 26 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKxrkEC0p8M
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
It doesn’t look big-budget, and the resolution seems to be on the low side, but don’t let that turn you off. It’s a creative and very funny movie while still keeping it fully in the horror genre. The effects and acting get the job done. We recommend it.
Synopsis
We’re told that back in the days of the Mayans, who worshiped the sun, a deity with an appetite for blood. They needed a human sacrifice every week. Helen comes into Lara’s goth shrine and teases her. “Mom! Lara’s trying to pray to Anne Rice again!” Credits roll as awful goth-rock plays (As Brian commented negatively on this, Kevin was thinking he liked the song).
Lara introduces us all to her very strange family, Helen, Raymond, Dad, and Mom, who used to be a Bulgarian figure-skater. It all goes reasonably well until Mom and Dad announce that they’re separating.
Lara walks to town and stops in the “Freakatorium,” a curiosity shop full of weird things. The owner shows her a new book, the Illustrated Biography of the Vampire Oya. He’s a creepy old guy with a story to tell. He claims that the Freemasons once had as many as twenty vampires in captivity.
It’s Lara and Helen’s sixteenth birthday (they’re twins). Lara’s clearly jealous of Helen, who gets all the boys. Lara does a spell to put an “ancient anal acne” curse on Helen.
Helen comes downstairs with an incredibly bloody nose and passes out. The doctor says all she needs is a good meal and leaves. Two minutes later, Helen apologizes for being such a jerk to Lara and dies (that’s a great doctor!).
There’s a funeral. Everybody cries, even Lara. Raymond, who is a home scientist, has done tests on Helen’s blood, and he says that she died from a loss of blood. Blood just disappeared inside her body. He found a virus that can only be killed with ultraviolet light. He can’t tell how long Helen had the virus; it could have been years. Mom says this is all God’s will, but Lara is less charitable about it.
There’s banging at the door. It’s Helen; she’s covered in someone else’s blood. She woke up and killed the mortician by drinking his blood. She looks at Lara and shouts, “You did this to me, didn’t you?”
Lara denies knowing anything about how Helen became a vampire. Raymond looks at her dying blood and says she’ll need more blood within 72 hours or so. He decides that this is a good time to admit that he’s gay. Raymond has made a list of local people that would make good victims, but Lara says they should target tourists.
As they talk, a pair of door-to-door religious guys knock. They come in to talk about Mormon stuff. Lara mentions that she’s a Satanist while Mom spikes their tea. Lara raises some interesting points that make the Mormons look up answers. They finally shut up and drink the tea, which ends badly for both of them.
Helen screams and puts up a fight, but she eventually drinks the Mormons. They’re just the first as Raymond starts bringing home new experimental subjects. We get a mad science montage. He also starts picking up guys at the gay bar to bring home. Mom, the religious nut, isn’t doing so well with all of this.
The reality of being a vampire hits Helen. She could live a really long time, and maybe other vampires could come for her.
They have the strangest Christmas dinner ever. Patrice Duchamp III comes to the door, dressed like someone from “Interview with the Vampire.” They all know what he is, but he wants to talk to Helen for ten minutes. He sees how Lara is dressed and assumes she’s the vampire.
Raymond charges in and beheads the vampire before peeling off his face, but then Mom gets upset with Lara’s family. Her real family that Patrice alluded to. We flashback to Mom picking up a baby that was left on her doorstep. Helen’s not really Lara’s twin. She may have been born a vampire, but it didn’t show up until she turned sixteen.
Throughout the film, we get narration and old-timey drawings explaining history, but now it discusses Duchamp’s children, of whom Helen is probably one.
Mom tells Raymond to take Lara outside, as she wants to end their troubles. She stabs herself to feed Helen.
Commentary
The movie is somewhat blurry. I noticed this in the trailer but thought it was a YouTube glitch. We watched the real movie on Tubi, and it was there too. Maybe it was filmed in low resolution or something; it wasn’t terribly distracting, but it was noticeable. That’s a shame because there are a lot of interesting little video tricks here and there. This has been floating around the festival circuit since 2006-ish and has only recently released for distribution, so the cameras of that time period may have something to do with it.
There are some neat little Easter eggs. Watch for the Mormons’ losing their clothes (“Free Moustache Rides”) and their song because they don’t know the lyrics (It’s not “Bringing in the Sheep”). The visual effects, such as Helen’s fangs and Patrice’s death, are limited in number but effective. And Raymond does some awesome lab work.
It starts off looking low-budget and questionable, but bear with it. It’s actually well-written, funny, and worth the watch. Lots of laughs!