- Directed by Johannes Hartmann, Sandro Klopfstein
- Written by Johannes Hartmann, Sandro Klopfstein, Gregory D. Widmer
- Stars Alice Lucy, Max Rudlinger, Casper Van Dien, David Schofield
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 32 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTRgBk4bgMM
Spoiler-free Judgment Zone
This is over the top, taking loads of tropes and dialing them up to eleven. It’s funny all the way through, very violent, and well made. We thought it was great!
Spoilery Synopsis
Switzerland.
Meili Cheese is being protested for their monopoly. Soldiers charge in to stop the protests. Someone throws a cheese block at one of the soldiers, and the shooting begins. The officer comes in with his pistol to finish off the survivors. Credits roll as headlines report “Meili Wins!” And yes, it’s now President Meili who runs all of Switzerland, who bans all other cheeses.
Heidi and Goat Peter make love in the barn. Her grandfather warns her that Goat Peter is only going to break her heart. “They say he’s involved in some shady business.” We see that Goat Peter is an illegal cheese smuggler doing a clandestine deal. He sells the goooood stuff. “Happy goats make happy cheese.”
We then get an anti-lactosr-intolerance advertisement. Those people need to be turned in. “I’m doing my part!” We cut to President Meili’s office, and he’s a cheese-megalomaniac. We then cut to Kommandant Knorr, who tortures a lactose-intolerant man with… boiling cheese. The man gives him the name of Goat Peter in the Alps. If his cheese is bad, don’t try his chocolate!
Heidi is out in her field in the Alps, waving for Goat Peter. It’s all very scenic. She goes to town with him as he makes a delivery. Knorr and his surprisingly Nazi-looking goons capture Goat Peter and kill him in the juiciest way possible. Heidi witnesses the whole thing and rides home.
Knorr and his men follow Heidi home, but Grandfather takes offense. Grandfather doesn’t last long, and Heidi is captured. She’s taken to prison, alongside Klara, another prisoner, to meet Madame Rottweiler and Dr. Schwitzgebel, a cheese researcher who weeds out those lactose-intolerant traitors.
Heidi and Klara get put in a cell with two huge butch women. Heidi swears revenge on the men who killed Goat Peter. In the morning, they all learn wrestling, and Klara doesn’t like it. Neither does Heidi.
For some reason, President Meili visits Heidi in prison. Her grandfather was a well-known revolutionary. He likes Heidi and wants her in the competition on Swiss National Day. They feed her nothing but cheese in prison.
We soon see that Rottweiler and Knorr have a weird sex thing of their own. Eventually, Heidi stabs Rottweiler and escapes. “I’m not a good girl anymore.” She tries to take Klara with her, but she’s been fully brainwashed with cheese.
Knorr and his men chase Heidi through the woods. How did she get out of prison? We don’t need to know. He gloats about killing Heidi’s parents. She jumps off a waterfall to escape. Meili is not pleased. Schwitzgebel introduces Meili to his new ultra-Swiss-cheese. It’s got 88% more lactose. It also softens the brain and makes the consumer completely obedient. The cheesemaster says it’s delicious, but then becomes hideously disfigured. He’s a cheese-zombie, and he rips Minister Gutzweiler in two.
Heidi is not dead. She wanders into a building and drinks something that makes her pass out. Helvetia, the magical guardian of the motherland, helps her out and gives her hope– and training. Cue the martial-arts training montage.
Grandfather, who’s not dead either, shows up at Isaac’s place. Isaac is Goat Peter’s father and an old ally of the revolutionaries. Cue the revolutionary rabble-rousing montage.
Meili and Knorr get a report that a patrol was attacked by a warrior girl in the woods with a mighty axe. They both know who the girl is. Meili calls for “The Neutralizer,” a bureaucrat with armor.
Meanwhile, Heidi slices up more soldiers, but now in the city. She’s coming after Knorr and Meili. The Neutralizer stops her with one punch.
It’s Swiss National Day. A group of French delegates are visiting for the games. Of course he offers them some cheese. Heidi is soon reunited with her “friends” from prison in the arena. Klara doesn’t last long against the muscle bound women. Heidi is the main attraction.
Heidi knocks out her opponent and then makes a speech about blindly following Meili. Before Heidi can fight the leaders, she gets to fight the Neutralizer again. The muscle woman wakes up and helps, but she doesn’t last very long against the giant bull-man.
She takes the bull by the horns, and soon, the crowd is cheering for Heidi. Knorr shoots her with an arrow as Meili and the French escape underground. He’s ready to finish her off as the revolutionaries arrive and shoot him.
In the lab, the Frenchmen sign the cheese trade agreement that Meili has wanted all along. Then he offers them Ultra Swiss, and they quickly become three monsters.
The revolutionaries make Swiss Cheese out of the zombies, leaving Heidi to deal with Meili. Soon, the president gets all the cheese he can stand. “Rest in cheese, bitch,” gloats Heidi.
Mortally wounded grandfather volunteers to stay behind and blow up the lab.
Commentary
It takes all the cliches and tropes from this kind of film and blows them up tenfold; it’s got everything from cuckoo clocks to Riccola commercials. I immediately compared it to “Iron Sky” in my mind– it has the same kind of humor and even a similar look.
There’s tons of gory deaths and a lot of comedy gold here. The fight scenes are over-the-top and comic-booky. The creature effects are quite good as well.
It’s really fun. It’s better than cheese!