Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell! (1990)

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Posted By: brian@brianschell.com December 7, 2023

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

It’s a Troma production, which often means entertaining, funny, weird, or satirical. This seems like Troma bought a poorly made and boring movie that someone else made. The soundtrack was a bright spot. That’s about all that was bright; literally, it’s a very dark movie. And dull.

Synopsis

We open at night, and a bunch of cultists walk around with torches, chanting. It looks like they burn up a man as a sacrifice. Credits roll.

Sheriff Jon Farlock gets the call; his deputy found a man char-broiled. We cut to a couple on a road trip to “The Devil’s Playground.” They stop, and Sandy mentions to her fiance that she’s a twin with Susan, and they can often feel what the other does. They find a turn-off from the dark desert road, but it turns out not to be the right road after all. Rod spots another car and follows it. They come to “Ellivnatas, Population 13.” [Yeah, spell that name backwards for a spoiler].

Rod and Sandy go into a very quiet bar to use the phone. Sandy calls Susan in Vegas to let her know they’ll be late. Someone cuts the phone line before she can finish her call. The barmaid tells Rod that the road will take them to Vegas in about another hour, but they end up at a dead-end in a canyon. They find a hole in their gas tank, and they’re out of gas.

Suddenly, they hear chanting from the hills. The Satanists come over the hill bearing torches. They soon set fire to Rod and throw him off a cliff as Sandy watches. They capture Sandy and carve a pentagram on her. Then, the high priest— fertilizes her before stabbing her to death.

Back in Vegas, Susan feels it when Sandy is killed. In the morning, she goes looking for Rod and her sister. The gas station guy talks to her about the area, but he’s never heard of Ellivnatas. We then get an intense driving montage as Susan explores the cliffs and rocks of the Devil’s Playground. She eventually spots Rod’s car parked off a nearby road.

She finds a pentagram on the ground and a hole in the gas tank. Dan, the gas station guy, catches up with her, and he can’t explain the pentagram. They come to the conclusion that something Satanic went on there last night. Susan’s an anthropologist, so she knows about those things. They follow the Satanists’ tracks, and it starts getting dark outside. They eventually go back to his place for the night, where we get a long tour of Dan’s apartment.

Dan mentions that he doesn’t trust that sheriff [she hasn’t met the sheriff yet]. We then watch her in a gratuitously long shower scene. Halfway through sex, the Satanists show up, but not really; that was just a dream or something.

Susan goes to Sheriff Jon in the morning. He’s never heard of Ellivnatas, either [He’s the sheriff, he outta know]. She explains about the abandoned car, the hole in the gas tank, and the cultists. He says without a body, he can’t do anything for another 24 hours. She goes back to the desert to keep investigating.

Susan suddenly finds her car surrounded by dune buggies that chase her around. Somehow, she outraces them in her Cabriolet. She comes back with the sheriff, but the wrecked cars are gone by then. He does believe her story, but there’s nothing to follow up with.

Night falls, and she finally reaches Ellivnatas. She sees the name reflected in a mirror, and she knows what kind of town this is. She eventually catches up with the cultists. The Devil-Master calls her inside, “Welcome to the house of Satan. We’ve been expecting you.” He says he’s going to fertilize her until she has the child of Satan.

They all march outside to the pentagram, and he does a ritual so that he may “fertilize this blaspheming slut!” But first, there’s a snake-dance. “Now ye shall know the hard-on of sin!” She knees him in the groin and runs away with all the cultists in pursuit. There is much running throughout Satanville.

Somehow, she manages to steal a dune buggy and drive off. There’s more driving action, and Susan soon finds herself at a waterfall in the desert. She forgets all about the pursuing cultists and decides to take a shower in the waterfall.

We cut to Sheriff Jon, who is also out in the desert looking around. Dan is also driving around searching.

Susan remembers that she’s being chased by Satanists and runs some more. She eventually runs to the road and flags down Dan’s truck. She notices “666” tattooed on the back of his neck and attacks him. She jumps out of the truck, he crashes, and the truck explodes.

Sheriff Jon sees the smoke and calls for Susan, who runs the other way. He chases her. He tells her that others have disappeared too, and he’s suspected cultists all along. He convinces her that he’s for real, and she goes back home with him.

…and the movie ends.

Commentary

We watched this on Tubi, and it’s very dark and low-quality. It’s like a group of people had a video camera and access to three dune buggies and decided to make a movie in the desert. They didn’t need a script or ideas.

It’s got a very 80s electronic soundtrack that I liked more than I probably should have. The movie itself, not so much. Most Troma films are funny or satirical; this was just hokey and dull. There’s lots of driving around and walking through the desert. The acting isn’t bad, but the story and direction leave a lot to be desired. And it’s boring too!

This was bad. Really bad, without anything at all to redeem it.