Black Christmas (2019)

Spoiler-Free Judgement Zone

A thoroughly awful remake of a remake of 1974’s good film. If you watch the trailer, don’t bother, as it spoils everything. It takes the basic idea of the original and goes a completely new direction with it, a direction that’s both unnecessary and un-entertaining.

Synopsis

It’s a sorority house again. Kris calls Lindsay on the phone; Lindsay’s going on a trip soon. Lindsay notices she’s being followed by a weird guy on his phone. After a quick jump scare, she’s encountered by a man in a shroud wearing a mask. She dies, and credits roll.

Riley walks through the house, and we meet various characters. Most of the girls are leaving for the holidays, but there are a few remaining behind. She goes to class, where she listens to a lecture by Professor Gelson. Kris is circulating a petition to have him fired as being a misogynist.

We get some history; Brian raped Riley three years ago, and he’s coming back tonight. No one really believed good old Brian would have done that. She goes over to the fraternity and watches them do some kind of dark ritual.

Some of the girls are doing a talent show thing. Riley spots Brian in the audience and freaks out and changes it to an anti-rapey song, humiliating Brian. Landon likes Riley, and he comes out and congratulates her for her bravery.

“Calvin Hawthorne” was the name of the university’s founder, and he is the name that showed up when Lindsay was texted before being killed. Now, Helena’s getting messaged by him; she’s next to die.

Fran stays behind one day , and the killer gets her very quickly. Riley starts getting texted by “Calvin Hawthorne.” Helena’s mother calls, looking for her. Riley figures out that both she and Lindsay didn’t get home as planned. She’s a little creeped out by the text messages, and she starts to think it might be Landon. She goes to campus security, and they’re about as helpful as you’d expect.

Riley runs into Professor Gelson, and he whines about Kris’s petition. He seems to be very nice, but also makes vague passive-aggressive threats. Riley then yells at Kris for posting the video of their song online, and it comes up that several of the girls are getting weird DMs. Marty’s boyfriend, Nate, sticks up for men, and they all shout him down and throw him out.

Jesse goes into the basement to test some Christmas lights. She sees something and screams. Suddenly, someone in a shroud and mask comes in and starts shooting at the girls with arrows. Marty gets shot in the leg. Riley goes after him with a sharp stick, while Kris goes down in the basement looking for Jesse.

Riley runs into Nate downstairs. He acts all tough and dies within seconds. The masked man grabs Riley and cuts her face. She stabs him with her keys.

Kris finds Jesse’s body in the basement. Riley finds Nate’s body in the living room. Riley gets ready to pull the mask off the attacker when they find two more attackers dressed the same way. It’s not just one guy.

Riley calls 911, and the guards head right over. Meanwhile, Riley and Kris hide in the kitchen. One of the men grabs Kris, and Riley stabs him in the back with a knife. The cop barges in and is stabbed in the back by yet another guy in a mask and cloak. They’re guys from the fraternity they humiliated, but they aren’t bleeding red blood, it’s some kind of black stuff.

Kris and Riley run out to the car and drive away. Riley remembers the ritual she saw; “black magic or sorcery or something,” she says. Riley believes the magic is coming from the magical bust of Hawthorne in the DKO house.

Riley and Kris argue, and Riley gets out of the car to fight back. She meets up with Nate, who wants to help. Kris stops at a neighboring sorority, and they are running into the same problem— it’s not just their house.

Nate goes into the DKO house and confronts the guys, but he doubles over with a headache. He at least distracts them long enough for Riley to get in and untie Helena. Except Helena’s working with the bad guys, and Riley gets knocked out.

She wakes up tied to a chair in time to see Nate being converted or possessed into the group. Professor Gelson explains that old man Hawthorne was into the dark arts, and he left instructions for men on how to take their power back.

The man in black comes in, and the men insist they bow before him. The man in black kills Helena just to show his power. The man grabs Riley and chokes her, but Kris and the other girls break in, and everyone starts to fight.

Riley smashes the magic bust and sets the house on fire, locking the cultists inside. The only man who gets out is Nate, who regrets being possessed.

Commentary

I guess creepy DMs are about the best you can do with modern phone technology. “He’s calling from inside the house” just doesn’t cut it when everyone has a phone in their pocket.

The first film had the creeper hiding in the house, and no one even knew he was there. This time around, he barges into the living room with a bow and arrows, and they all see him. There’s no secrets or subtlety after that; it’s just another home intrusion/cultist movie.

This movie is so feminist that they even changed the name of the cat from Claude to Claudette. The only good men either die in seconds or turn against the women in the end. It’s so completely non-subtle in man-hatred that it’s really hard to watch. You can have a movie with strong female leads without making all men the villains. And in this film, all men are villains.