2025 City of Demons

• Directed by Charles Band
• Written by Leon Schmoolie
• Stars Ariana Madix, Jessica Morris, Circus-Szalewski
• Run Time: 1 Hour, 22 Minutes
• Trailer: (This movie is so bad, they didn’t make a trailer)

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

This wasn’t horror so much as it was a loose collection of scenes that was a delivery system for hot clothed girls, hot unclothed girls, girl on girl sex, man on girl sex, and girl sex with a giant Elvis puppet. That last one was at least interesting in a weird way. There are ghosts and vampires and other stuff going on in a choppy mix that we both firmly give a thumbs down.

Spoilery Synopsis

Danni and Reese, both Realtors, talk about selling an old house that’s been empty for eighty years. They go inside and start pulling sheets off the furniture (the house doesn’t even look eight years old). The pair get to work cleaning before the buyer arrives. We get a “cleaning montage.” 

We cut to a casting room where actresses talk about wanting to be in this movie so badly, but one of them insults the work. Two others don’t fare much better with the awful script, but the perky vacuous one gets cast. They go home, put on monster masks, and dance in front of a crystal ball, and we see that someone is watching them. They have a lot of really cool horror movie masks and props– they’re all decorating for Halloween. 

Back at the old house, Reese watches as ghosts frolic outside near the waterfall. More ghosts, including the ghosts of Sonny Barnes, Tubby Fitzgerald, and Erik Burke talk to her. She hears screaming in the basement and goes through a secret door to get down there. 

The four “horror girls” decide to watch “The Killer Eye” on DVD. They even have a Killer Eye prop. One of the girls takes her top off and flashes the Eye. In the movie, a woman in clown makeup gets her fortune told by a woman at the beach who takes her to a dispensary on her break. We get a glimpse of the “Gingerdead Man” as well as the “Evil Bong.” They all watch a show featuring a zombie-puppet Elvis having sex with a stripper. 

Reese rushes into a room where she sees the Phantom of the Opera having sex with a woman. No, it’s Erik, Sonny, and Tubby. Reese says the potential buyer of the house will find her. They laugh; Erik was posing as the buyer. 

“This sucks” says one of the horror girls (as did Kevin) at the weird Elvis puppet sex. The crystal ball is still watching them all, and when it starts glowing, they all notice. 

In the basement of the mansion, the three old dead movie stars continue to terrorize Reese. They introduce their leading lady, much to Reese’s terror.

We cut to a strip club and see still more sexy things. A woman leaves and something in the parking lot abducts her. 

We cut to a man and woman shopping, and we see that he’s a vampire.

One of the horror girls protests to the other about how straight she is as they climb into bed together. When they’re interrupted, they suggest the third girl join in. 

Back at the haunted house, Reese and Danni, the other Realtor, clean out the deactivated waterfall and find a necklace. They talk about the buyer, who only communicates with them by letter. Was she hallucinating the working fountain and the dead movie stars?

Back at the strip club, a woman talks to the owner, who doesn’t like the light. She wants a job, so he makes her do a sexy dance for him. Meanwhile, her boyfriend wanders around in the main area of the club and watches the show. Two women in the restroom talk about the dancer who has been killed. 

The abducted woman wakes up in a mechanic’s garage and screams at the walls. 

Danni goes to sleep in one of the bedrooms and is transported to a land of mountainous animated boobies as the characters from “The Killer Eye” get all philosophical with the devils there. She runs downstairs and is grabbed by the three dead actor ghosts. They chain her to a post in the basement. Meanwhile, we cut to other places and see still more… stuff. 

We see that the guy at the store and the girls in the garage and strip club are all vampires, and they do their thing. 

Reese and Danni drink wine as the credits roll. 

Brian’s Commentary

WTF was that? Someone cleaned scraps off the cutting-room floor and stitched them together? There never was anything resembling a plot. 

This is like scenes from nine different movies edited together inconsistently with triple the usual amount of T&A thrown in. There were too many blonde women who all looked alike; we couldn’t tell who was who for the most part. This is really, really hard to follow. We repeatedly cut away to scenes that don’t really go anywhere or fold in with any of the other plots. There’s just way too much cutting back and forth between things that don’t seem to be related. 

We realize that this one is chock full of cameos, but the credits don’t say who they are. I caught a few, but “Evil Bong” and “Gingerdead Man” are completely egregious. Stuart Gordon, the director of “Re-Animator” was one I spotted, but I know there were a few that I should have recognized and didn’t. Full Moon went crazy with the self-references to their own films, but not having seen much of their stuff since the 80s and 90s, I was a little overwhelmed. 

This was truly, unequivocally, incoherent trash. And not in a good way. 

Kevin’s Commentary

Stuff happened to a bunch of attractive young women who were pretty interchangeable in appearance. The story was vague and choppy, with enough horror elements to slap the horror genre on it, but it was more of a mostly bland softcore porn. Charles Band (director) has been directing and writing for decades with some entertaining stuff under his belt – something went terribly wrong with this one.